


(i don’t know if i'm worth all this)

by Magicaltally



Series: Dangerous Thoughts [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Depression, Feels, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Insomnia, One Shot, Protective Steve Rogers, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12095220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicaltally/pseuds/Magicaltally
Summary: Bucky had some time to think.Maybe thoughts and sadness were a bad combination.





	(i don’t know if i'm worth all this)

**Author's Note:**

> Started this series with Tony Stark (you don't really have to read that one to understand this one but I'd really appreciate it if you did.)
> 
> Written at 3am, so maybe I'll start my own little tradition for this series of writing at the quiet hours...

Bucky was aware of the trouble he caused, for Steve and Steve’s new (ex-) team.

(The trouble he’d caused the world.)

He wasn’t worth it.

He was the Winter Soldier. Dozens were killed by him, and he hated himself for it.

(‘I’m not gonna kill anyone.’)

HYDRA was plaguing his thoughts every second, even Steve’s face reminded him of his mission.

(He couldn’t look anyone in the eyes.)

He had the first time in what felt like forever to think, truly think, and maybe it wasn’t a good thing.

He was a machine designed to kill, the stump of metal on his shoulder proved him just that.

(‘Soldat.’)

He’d killed men, women, children, his friend.

He’d killed Howard. 

(‘Ready to comply.’)

A man that had been nothing but kind to him, that man looked in his eyes as he killed him, Howard had recognized him.

(Maybe it would’ve been easier if he hadn’t.)

He briefly remembered a scientist telling him that not everyone was meant for living, and Bucky was starting to think that he was right.

How can someone, who had caused so much suffering, so much death, be anything but a monster?

Be deserving of anything other than an end?

He briefly wondered what could’ve been, had there been no war, he and his little skinny pal Steve, the one who’d wear newspaper in his shoes, living next to each other, a wife, their kids running in the street in front of the white fenced homes, laughing.

(They’d never have that now.)

He couldn’t help but think that life would be easier if he was just gone, Steve would’ve been with his team, his new friends, with Tony.

And Bucky took all of that away from him.

He truly was nothing more than the Winter Soldier, the monster fashioned by an even bigger monster.

('You are to be the new fist of HYDRA.')

He remembered the look in his victims eyes.

The fear, the despair and the pleas.

Bucky killed them all anyway.

(‘I remember all of them.’)

Now he just sat on his bed the entire day, thinking about them. The lives he destroyed, and the opportunities he stole from them.

He couldn’t sleep, even though his eyes were heavy, his heart was more so. 

Steve was there for him, no matter what, Bucky knew that, and he appreciated it more than Steve would ever know. 

How had he lived without knowing who Steve was?

(‘The man on the bridge, who was he?’)

Steve wanted to save him, clear HYDRA from his mind, get Bucky- his brother, back.

Steve didn’t realize that some people weren’t meant to be saved.

(Bucky just wanted oblivion. He couldn’t trust his own mind.)

And so, the same way as he’d come from the ice, that’s where he chose (for the first time) to return.

And when he awoke, whenever that was, he knew that Steve (his only friend, his family, his brother) would still be there for him.

(He really wasn’t worth it.)

Steve was in front of him, his eyes showing a support that Bucky didn’t deserve.

(‘Till the end of the line.)

Ice crawled on the glass walls, and he was frozen soon after.

(It’s better this way.)

**Author's Note:**

> As last time, I'm tired, so I really hope all of these words I put together somehow make sense...
> 
> Sorry if it doesn't make any sense though...
> 
> (Please comment, as it helps my self esteem.)
> 
> (Also let me know who you want to see next.)


End file.
